I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
