y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
