He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Is Oprah even human
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
