we have officially mastered the walk of shame
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
