I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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