I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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