Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
