When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
