The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
