ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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