he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
did i walk over a car last night?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
