id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
