I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
