Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
