mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
