My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
