i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
