that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
