I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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