I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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