Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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