apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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