if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
