I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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