I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
