He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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