so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
