I can't watch pbs sober anymore
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
