I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
