you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
