my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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