I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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