My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
