Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
