I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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