I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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