one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
