I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
