i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I fill condoms, not promises.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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