Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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