My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
