just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
worst night to have a conscience
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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