i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
