I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
