hotel room ftw
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
