You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
