I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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