i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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