the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
