I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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